Cincinnati, Oh – A recent study of 186 mass killing episodes has established conclusively there is no correlation between psychiatric drugs and the killings, even though 100% of the killers were either on or withdrawing from psychiatric drugs at the time of the slayings.
Instead, researchers found that those responsible for the killings are simply different than other people and that those differences should be celebrated, not reviled. The study also points to cookies and not drugs as the causal factor in the tragic slayings.
The research team from the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neuroscience at the University of Cincinnati found that selective-gingerbread-cookie-shaped (SGCS) brain cells deprived of antidepressants appear to trigger homicidal ideation and violence in prepubescent cookie eaters.
According to lead researcher, Dr. Adolf Cureall, a review of several newspaper articles and an in-depth interview with a retired lunch lady proved conclusively that children who cripple gingerbread cookies are ten times more likely to have SGCS drug deprived brain cells and commit mass killings later in life.
Lunch lady Gladys Appleknocker told Psych-Times, “That little red-headed kid from Norwood who ran his family and dog through the Asplundh tree chipper after bein’ on Ritalin all them years was a real mean little bastard. One day I seen the little shit bite the arm and leg off a gingerbread man and proceed to dunk its head in milk for what seemed like an hour, all the while staring off into space with them dead-looking goat eyes of his.”
“That oughta tell you something. The kid obviously needed more Ritalin,” said Appleknocker. “They settle right down after they get a dose of that in them.”
According to Dr. Cureall, cookies are at the root of the mass killing evil and was recently heard to say, “We knew there was something different about these kids, we just didn’t know exactly what it was.” “Now that we have evidence-based proof that it’s about cookie patterns in the brain and missing pharmaceuticals we can move forward with earlier intervention and training programs for school lunch ladies and janitors to help them recognize and report early warning signs.” “We’re also hoping to mobilize the obstetric physician community to get on board with in vitro drug delivery.”
“If I had known then what I know now, quipped Appleknocker, I woulda sent that little crumb crusher down to the principle’s office for more psych meds. What kinda kid cripples cookies?”
The study, generously funded by Proctor & Gamble, Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, Roche, Glaxo Smith Kline, Novartis, Sanofi, Astra Zeneca, Abbott Laboratories, Merck & Co., Bayer Health Care, Eli Lilly and Bristol-Myers Squibb promises new insight into cookie driven violence.DISCLAIMER: This blog is fictional parody written by a real estate nut who makes things up and writes them down. Don't believe a word she says.